My name is Mick and I am in recovery from alcohol addiction, drug addiction, belonging and other destructive behaviours.
My story falls into two distinctive parts:
Part 1: my life before February 2022
I have 7 siblings, 3 biological brothers & sisters older than me and 4 half brothers and sisters younger than me.
My Dad left the family when I was 2-3 months old, and I didn’t have anything to do with him throughout my upbringing. Apart from that we seemed to have a fairly normal childhood until I reached my teens and I started hearing and seeing things and realised my family wasn’t what it seemed.
My mum met an alcoholic who was violent to her and all of us children on a regular basis. I saw my Mum go through some horrific things, but I thought that was normal – until I got older. I used to get bullied at school because of the bruises he’d given us.
The circumstances and violence we were living amongst meant that relationships in the family were not particularly good either.
Being the youngest at that time, I was a frightened little boy as it was hard to watch what was happening around me and I had a lot of nightmares, often wetting the bed and I would end up going into my Mum’s room. This meant I saw things I should not have seen but nobody believed me, so I never felt that I belonged – I was never believed in and was seen as a trouble-maker.
I blamed my Mum for a number of years about why she stuck around but I understand now that she was caught up in something she didn’t know what to do with – she was suffering physical abuse and mental torture and she felt she couldn’t cope without this individual.
At the age of 12-13 years old I had become very angry and my Mum kicked me out because she couldn’t cope with the way I was becoming, so I moved in firstly with my older brother, and then a family friend. However, this was when I started to dabble with drugs and this man began to manipulated me and eventually my Mum ended up taking me back.
Around the age of 17, I met the woman who would become my wife and for me that was when my life changed for the better. I had someone there. We ended up buying our own house and everything was sweet.
I kept my addiction away from my wife for a number of years, although I was still selling cocaine. I had a good job working as a manager during the day and would do my rounds at night and everything was ok – She never needed to know. Looking back, I didn’t need to do this, because I was on good money, but I didn’t realise I was addicted. To me it was a casual thing, but that is how it gets a grip of you.
During this time I was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver due to my addictions, although my wife believed it was due to alcohol as she was not aware of the drug use.
My drugs and drinking eventually spiralled out of control, I was taking more, selling more and then one day someone grassed me up to my wife. I was very angry at the time because I didn’t want to lose something I’d wanted and craved for all my life which was a family of my own – me, my wife and my little girl – and I didn’t want my daughter to grow up not having a Dad in her life like I did – I wanted to keep our family complete as it was supposed to be.
But, my wife left me and we sold the house and that was when I started to lose control as I had nothing left to hold on to, as far as I was concerned my family had gone. I thought I’d been quite clever but the truth always comes out. The hardest part was when my wife stopped me seeing my daughter because of the lifestyle I was now living in full addiction; smoking and selling crack. So, everything came to a standstill, and I started self- harming – I had no hope – If I couldn’t see my daughter I didn’t see there was any point in living.
I tried several times to commit suicide and on one occasion I remember asking my Mum to ”just lie next to me and let me go”. Because that was what I wanted, I was sick of the pain of what I was doing to myself and what I was doing to everyone else around me.
After doing a home detox with the help of my Mum, I was accepted into Littledale Hall Treatment Centre on 9 August 2021. Going in there I realised I had to leave everything behind – I gave up my flat and took nothing with me as I needed to change my life.
This is where Part 2 of my life comes in.
Going into the Hall I knew I had to do something for me and to make sure I was there for my daughter and also for my siblings – I had robbed them blind to feed my habit – they knew what trouble I was in and all the time I promised to stop and pay it all off but I was creating more debt.
So going into Littledale was a blessing for me – I met some great people in there. But I was still an angry person – I thought I didn’t have a problem but they soon got me sharing and I remember doing a child’s eye letter – looking at what I was doing through my daughter’s eyes and for me, having to write something that my daughter would see, that was not what I wanted for her.
I stayed in the Hall for 6 months and then I got an interview for a place at the Adullam House, which I was given.
During my time in Littledale I was told that my cirrhosis of the liver had progressed to the point of needing a liver transplant and having to see specialists from that point forward, to make sure this didn’t become cancerous.
The day I met Kath & Sarah from Adullam I felt I belonged – they, and the people I met at Celebrate Recovery, made me feel so safe and I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for them. People who want to know me for who I am, they don’t want anything from me – they see me for me and that is special.
Coming out of rehab on your own in a new environment, knowing no one is daunting – but I am grateful to have good people in my life around me who can show me the way – I am two and a half years clean and sober and feel I have been given a second chance and there is no way I am losing that.
Times are still hard, I do still think of the drink or the drugs but there is no way I am going back there because everything I have got in my life now is far more than I could have imagined. I am building relationships with my family slowly for the hurt I’ve caused them.
I am fully committed to focussing on building a future with my little girl.
I will continue working on my relationships and keeping the new ones around me. I keep attending my Celebrate Recovery and Adullam support groups, as well as two church home groups where I can listen to good guidance. I am also filling time with volunteering for Adullam and other support services, and doing what I can to help others around me in recovery.
I have also been advised that I no longer need a liver transplant and that is due to no longer using the drugs and having a healthier lifestyle, although I still regularly have to see the specialists to make sure this stays stable.
Through the help of the CAP Money course, I am also now debt free and this has brought such relief as I was always unable to pay off all my debts on my own. This means I have managed to save for a holiday with my daughter, and I am now in a position of looking for a more permanent home of my own. I would not have been able to do this without the supportive community I now have around me and I feel very blessed.
Thank you for letting me share.